Open and honest

R and I have had some very blunt and honest discussions about us and what we do and don't expect from each other. It is good to get this all out in the open considering our past. I personally think that she had asked for my help with the computer a few times last year partly because she didn't want to completely lose touch with me. She could have found someone closer. Some of the "help" was pretty "manufactured". She had been a stubborn and proud person and definitely has a hard time saying she is wrong or sorry. She has done that in a big way this time around. This is what gives me hope that she has possibly grown during these last 2 years.

We have both learned some very hard lessons, that is for sure. I am still very skiddish about bringing down the barriers. I know I will eventually need to, but it's been a pretty rough year for me.

We have gotten together a couple times this week. On Tuesday for a Nip/Tuck viewing at her house with a bunch of her friends, then today she came over with her oldest son to my mom's house for lunch and a small birthday celebration for E.

I think mom was a little weirded out by this. She is in a protective mode hoping I won't get burned again. I told her not to worry about me and Rayette. She seemed to relax once Rayette arrived and they had a nice chat. I don't think they talked much about us, I think mom was glad that she was still as nice as she had always been toward her.

Even when Rayette and I weren't dating, but we were doing the "just friends" talking, she always asked how mom was doing. She always volunteered to help her out if she needed anything since they live in the same town. I always declined. I always thought that would seem too weird to my mom. I probably should have taken her up on it a few times when I couldn't get a hold of mom and drove all the way there and found out my timing was just bad, and mom had turned off her answering machine.

There's a number of "what if" scenarios I have thought of to figure out what Rayette was thinking. It's stupid to worry about shit like this, but I think we all do it to some degree.