Thursday, January 27, 2011

Fear of more loss

My brother Mike has been very sick this year. I am very concerned for his future. His illness cannot be cured, but it can be managed. They are trying to figure out the right drugs that will help him best, and are running out of options. Surgery may be the only solution left.

He lives across town. He bought a house about 5 years ago and is probably upside down in it. He's been struggling with his finances because he can't work much due to the illness. We're looking into getting him on partial disability.

His roommate contacted me a few days ago due to his concern that Mike was not getting any exercise and is gaining a lot of weight. He is also concerned that his work may fire him soon. So far his work has been great about things, and going out of their way to help. His roommate also told me he was moving out. He said he can't stand by and watch his bestfriend slowly kill himself. I think he is being a little overly dramatic, but that discussion has me contacting mike more often, and I have reached out to family to do the same. We're suggesting that he ask his doctor whether anti-depressants would cause any issues with his treatment.

I was dealing with all of this when I found out about Chantel's death the other day. I was a bit overwhelmed by both of these events to say the least.

I am trying to keep my spirits up and get out with friends. Since Stephanie and I stopped seeing each other I decided not to get all bummed out about it. I have figured out that sitting around the house is like poison to me. I can get stagnant and just sit around (similar to how my brother is acting). It's an anti-social behavior that I am fully aware of. I don't like it about myself. I have been thinking about starting back on anti-anxiety meds, but I am going to try to just keep myself busy instead.

My friend Laura mentioned something about how busy I have been keeping myself lately when we went out to a movie last night. She heard about some things I did over the weekend through our mutual friend Michaela (pronounced Mishella). Laura is aware of my depression and anxiety issues. She and I had dated back when the anxiety was really bad. Luckily our friendship survived it. We both know that a relationship wouldn't be a good idea, although there are days that I know she thinks about us as a couple. Let's just say I can tell.

I had urged Michaela to join a wine tasting group that I joined a few months ago. I really like Michaela, but she and Laura are very close friends. So like I ran into with Carrie, I know trying to date Michaela could be a problem. I've decided not to pursue her for this reason. The funny thing is that a lady I met at one of the wine group gatherings was telling me that Michaela was clearly into me. I must be blind to most of this. I'm starting to think I can only see it if the person confronts me directly. BONE HEAD!

Did I go scatter brained on this post? Hey, at least I am blogging again!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I just learned that an ex-girlfriend of mine from about 5 years ago passed away in October. I am very saddened by this. She was one of the sweetest people I had ever met. All of our issues aside, I was hoping that she would live a long happy life. I knew that it wasn't likely due to her not taking care of her health issues.

We were only together for maybe 5 months. Our relationship burned fast. I did love her, and we were on our way to a very serious relationship (she moved in). Breaking up with her was one of the most agonizing things I've ever had to do. The fact that she wasn't taking good care of herself was just one of the issues between us. I was sad for quite a long time after I broke it off. I know I hurt her really bad. The guilt associated with those times haunts me often, which is probably why this news hurts so much.