Friday, August 31, 2018

3 Years later... Does anybody read this shit anymore?

I hope everyone is doing well.

My life has hardly changed in 3 years. It's kind of depressing. It needs to change.

Since my last posts, which is now ancient history...

Work is a mess. Nothing new there except my entire department, except for one guy, is gone. Lay-offs and resignations have gutted our department and now almost all of the work falls on my lap. I am not happy.

I ordered a Tesla Model 3. I stood in line back on March 31, 2016 to be one of the first to reserve one. I still don't have it, but it should be here in the next month or 2.

To go along with that, I have decided to put solar panels on the house. I can't wait for that to get installed in November.

My dating life is depressing...

When I last posted there was this non-relationship with Susan. That never changed. What did happen was more baseball trips and a lot of fun.

Unfortunately I ruined our friendship in ways. I started dating someone a couple years ago. Susan met her and loved her. But of course I had a problem. The girlfriend was a financial wreck. After dealing with a couple really bad decisions of hers that ended up costing me a lot of money to clear up, I decided a serious relationship was not going to work for me. This actually upset Susan in a couple different ways. She really liked how the gf and I were. She really was a great girlfriend outside of the messed up financial issues. This also made Susan think that I'm an idiot. We didn't argue about it, but it didn't feel good to have my friend not back me up on this. I guess it is the woman perspective that gets in the way.

Susan and I still did things together, but much less than before. She had a party/game night at her place, and was trying to set me up with a new friend, Lori. She seemed nice, so I asked her out to dinner. Well... dinner was OK, but I just didn't feel anything for her. I got the impression she wasn't into me either. We never went out again. I think this bothered Susan a lot, or maybe I read into her reaction.

Susan and I saw even less of each other...

Then a few months later I started going hiking with an old girlfriend, also named Susan. I'll call her SK. Well, SK and I had a relationship back  number of years that only lasted about 3 months. I am sure I blogged about it in some fashion. She was extremely jealous.

This time SK was very grounded, and no pressure. But I have note taken it to any level in the last year due to the fact that she is also a financial mess. I have let it just stay on cruise control, going in a straight line. We don't have sex, but enjoy each others company. But I can't get past the financial shit. She seems fine with a non-sexual relationship, but this is very hard to deal with.

Lately I have been depressed and not wanting to deal with SK at all. So we've not seen each other in over a month. We still send texts back and forth, but that's it.

I have not seen Susan since New Years Eve. We don't even talk. I find myself missing her a lot, but afraid to send her a text, or call. I am in a deep funk.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

My mind is wandering... FWB?

This impending conversation with Susan has me thinking too much. I know she enjoys my friendship and is annoyed by everyone asking about us. I blame all of this on Facebook. We all want to take pictures when we're doing something fun. She and I have had an awful lot of fun these past few months. I am quite certain that she wants to keep doing things together. But what could it be? This has kept me up thinking the past couple nights.

She and I have some very frank conversations. We talk about movies, music, geeky stuff, our kids, our divorces. We've also talked about our sex lives in relatively general terms, but one conversation a couple months ago had to do with "friends with benefits". She was not referring to me specifically, or anyone one else. It was just a subject in a conversation. She seemed okay with it. Although I have done this with a woman a number of years ago, I wasn't sure it can ever end up good for either party. We just had a conversation about it. There was nothing flirty, or suggestive in the tone.

I personally have mixed feelings about it. In my last instance in this area, the woman I was dating just wasn't right for me. I knew that eventually it would end badly, so I ended it before it went bad. She then suggested a friends with benefits arrangement. I hadn't done that as an on going thing before, so I had to think about it, and it intrigued me. We tried it, but I had one rule, if either of us starts dating someone else and sex is involved, we had to stop. She agreed.

The trouble with this is my heart wasn't in it. The sex was fun, but I felt very empty about it. It lasted a couple months, and I could tell she was getting too attached. Expecting me to call her, etc. This was where it began to look like she was way more into me than I was her. I did start dating someone around that time, and although the new girl and I hadn't gotten had sex yet, I had to end things with the FWB.

I feel like I let her down, even though that was the arrangement. She continued to say she was OK with it, but I had to eventually tell her to stop calling, as I was getting more serious with the new girlfriend.

Because of that conversation that Susan and I had a couple months ago, I am wondering if that is where she wants this to go. Although I want to get closer to Susan, is this what I want? Am I going to be the disappointed one this time? Probably.

I don't know how I would respond to that... which is haunting me. Then again, it may be something completely different.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Friends help you heal, but what is this?

I have known Susan for a few years now. She has always been very nice to me, but then she is nice to everyone. Over the last couple years she and I would talk at events. During these discussions I got the impression that I am not her type, and she doesn't use Meetup as a means to date. One thing I do know is she has a lot of guy friends. Since I have a number of girl friends (2 words), I didn't think anything of it. So I figured that we would just be friends. We talked about our kids quite a bit. She knew my ex-girlfriend, Laura through other meetups. Laura and I eventually got back together, and Susan and her became friends.

After Laura and my breakup, as well as Susan breaking up with her boyfriend around the same time, we stayed friends. She and I talked about Erik playing baseball in the Spring, and she asked to come to a game. This very much surprised me. Not too many people that you're just getting to know want to do something like that, especially a woman you aren't dating.

Well, it turns out she is a BIG baseball fan. She met me at one game, and soon after invited me to a Rockies game. This past spring she came to 3 of my son's games, and we went to at least a couple Rockies games.

We learned a lot about each other, like although she is into sports, especially baseball, she is also quite the geek. There was a discussion about the Marvel movies, and then soon after we were also going to movies.

One night at dinner she was telling me how she is trying to see a major league baseball game at every park in North America. I was a bit taken back by this, but the more I listened the more fun it sounded. She was going to be doing a stretch of about 3 weeks where she would hit 11 stadiums. I mentioned something about always wanting to see a game at Wrigley Field, so she invited me to meet her in Chicago for the game.

This soon evolved into seeing games in Atlanta, Chicago, and Cincinnati. Unfortunately she was hurt playing flag football, so we just made it to just Atlanta and Chicago. It was kind of a mad rush from place to place, but it was also one of the best trips I had ever taken. We also learned that we travel well together.

While on this trip she was talking about going to Boston to see a game before the end of the season. I mention how much I would love that, but I could not do that without taking Erik, as he is a HUGE Red Sox fan. She thinks Erik is awesome, and said to bring him. I surprised Erik with this as an 18th birthday present at the end of September.

The whole summer has been a great time, mostly because of spending a couple days a week with Susan. The problem is I have developed feelings for her. I have been pushing those thoughts aside, but then she also seems to be having those feelings. Most people would ask why is that a problem. Well, Susan and I have talked, and although we have so many great things in common, we have very different dating styles. Plus she keeps repeating how I am not tall enough.

Don't misunderstand, I have not made a move to elevate this to another level. But I think it is going that way on it's own. She is being a lot more "touchy feely", and her hugs at the end of the night tend to last a lot longer now. There was also a night last week where she had this look like I should kiss her, but I resisted.

A "friend" of ours, Tina (mostly a friend of Susan) was hounding us one night. Tina said to me that she didn't want me to get hurt. Although it was nice, it was kind of a butting in where she doesn't belong. Susan said that Tina had pulled her aside and said relatively the same thing to her. Tina said that she can see that I am interested in Susan as more than just friends. I told her there was nothing to worry about, but she kept pushing.

A little background here, Tina was once interested in me. I barely even like her, so there's that.

We met a few days later, with Tina, to watch the UFC fights. I'm not really into it, but figured at a sports bar there would also be some baseball to watch. Tina started in again about Susan and I, and Susan got pissed off. We eventually left. Susan almost ended their friendship, but didn't.

Susan met me for sushi and a movie the other night. As we sat and ate, she said she wanted to talk about us. My reaction was, "OK". She said she feels like she needs to put parameters around things. She wasn't going into specifics, as she was nervous about it. She was trying to see if I understood, but without knowing what the parameters were, I couldn't give her a straight answer. I told her that I don't normally have to think about parameters with my friends. I kind of feel like if she wants to take beyond friends, to a more intimate relationship, then she has to say it.

Unfortunately, we lost track of time and had to get to the movie. We didn't finish it afterwards either. But she did send me a text about needing to finish that conversation.

So... To Be Continued

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Just friends...

Carla contacted me a few months ago, out of the blue. She is an ex-girlfriend of a friend of mine. He is not a close friend. Apparently things did not end well between them, and I am not one to pry, so I haven't. I just know that he also dated my friend Lolly a few years ago, and I know all too well how that ended. I know he seems completely against getting married again, and he tends to not stay with someone for more than 6 months or so. I am fairly sure this is what happened again.

She asked if I wanted to get together. Carla very specifically said "as friends", and to just get out and do things. I find it fairly easy to be friends with women, and not think of it as an avenue of a future romantic relationship. Most people don't understand how I can do that. That being said, this feels different.

We started out with a movie, and have met a few times for happy hour. She is ok with tagging me in a Facebook "check-in", as long as we are with others, but doesn't do it when it is just us. Does she not want to start the rumor mill going. Regardless, I don't care.

One of the things I do know, is that she is a Republican. It's kind of unavoidable here in this town. We are the conservative hub of Colorado (another reason to eventually move to Denver). But clearly I can have a relationship with a woman with opposing political views. If she happens to be extremely religious on top of that, I am going to have to pass.

She joined my gym, which is great. It has helped to motivate me to go more often. We had been going at least twice a week, but it has trickled off since she went on vacation. Maybe she only joined to get toned up for wearing a bikini on the beach.

One happy hour we were at with friends, she got pretty toasted, so I waited with her until she was able to drive. She was a lot more touchy-feely than in the past which makes me wonder if she is changing her mind about the just friends idea.

I have mixed feelings about her, so I will not push this.

Spending time with my son

My youngest son, Erik, is 17 years old. He'll be 18 in October. He still likes doing things with me; board games, going to movies, watching our favorite TV shows. But as with every kid this age I see him being more independent, and spending more time with his friends.

Erik and I have a good relationship, but his smart ass attitude makes it difficult to really have a good talk with him. We're trying to figure out colleges and such. He just started his senior year, and his grades are not stellar, so our options will be limited (as is my ability to help pay for school). I would really like for him to stay here and go to the local community college and transfer to a CU branch, but I'm not sure that is where he wants to go. I have floated the idea of CSU in Pueblo. I have also talked about one of the schools in Denver, since I eventually want to move closer to work.
Then I wonder if I should just cut the umbilical, and let him go. 

My oldest brother told Erik that he could stay with them if he wanted to go to a Connecticut school, which he is considering. The thought of him being that far as away created a lot of anxiety for me, but being with family would not be a bad thing. Maybe I've just being overly clingy to him lately. We'll see how this year moves along.