This impending conversation with Susan has me thinking too much. I know she enjoys my friendship and is annoyed by everyone asking about us. I blame all of this on Facebook. We all want to take pictures when we're doing something fun. She and I have had an awful lot of fun these past few months. I am quite certain that she wants to keep doing things together. But what could it be? This has kept me up thinking the past couple nights.
She and I have some very frank conversations. We talk about movies, music, geeky stuff, our kids, our divorces. We've also talked about our sex lives in relatively general terms, but one conversation a couple months ago had to do with "friends with benefits". She was not referring to me specifically, or anyone one else. It was just a subject in a conversation. She seemed okay with it. Although I have done this with a woman a number of years ago, I wasn't sure it can ever end up good for either party. We just had a conversation about it. There was nothing flirty, or suggestive in the tone.
I personally have mixed feelings about it. In my last instance in this area, the woman I was dating just wasn't right for me. I knew that eventually it would end badly, so I ended it before it went bad. She then suggested a friends with benefits arrangement. I hadn't done that as an on going thing before, so I had to think about it, and it intrigued me. We tried it, but I had one rule, if either of us starts dating someone else and sex is involved, we had to stop. She agreed.
The trouble with this is my heart wasn't in it. The sex was fun, but I felt very empty about it. It lasted a couple months, and I could tell she was getting too attached. Expecting me to call her, etc. This was where it began to look like she was way more into me than I was her. I did start dating someone around that time, and although the new girl and I hadn't gotten had sex yet, I had to end things with the FWB.
I feel like I let her down, even though that was the arrangement. She continued to say she was OK with it, but I had to eventually tell her to stop calling, as I was getting more serious with the new girlfriend.
Because of that conversation that Susan and I had a couple months ago, I am wondering if that is where she wants this to go. Although I want to get closer to Susan, is this what I want? Am I going to be the disappointed one this time? Probably.
I don't know how I would respond to that... which is haunting me. Then again, it may be something completely different.