Waiting for "normal"

My feelings for Chantel were very mixed, but I knew that ending the relationship was the only right choice. She was bringing me down to a place in my mind I did not want to be. I have had periods of depression before and seeing a major one on the horizon told me that we were not right for each other.

The amount of guilt that I feel is equalled by the relief that I feel as I think about the children not being enveloped in a relationship that was in a downward spiral. Ultimately the children needed to be the priority even though this action that I have taken has hurt them deeply. My children will heal. They have always been there for me when I was down. I do not like leaning on them because that is what I am there for. Kevin and Erik have been very clingy around me lately. They always are when they know I am hurting. Kevin more so than Erik just because he understands more of what is going on.

Linda and Evans were very pissed off at me for a few days. Linda came to help move Chantel and her boys out of the house. She could hardly look me in the eyes. I felt like I was not only losing someone I loved very deepply, but I was also losing some very close friends. My depression deepened.

I sent Evans an e-mail a couple days after Chantel moved out. It was basically an apology for hurting our friendship and to find out if we were still going to be friends after the dust settles. Evans' reply was short and to the point,

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"Just curious ... what exactly were you thinking?

Do you have any idea of the far-ranging consequenses of your actions
and the number of people affected?"
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I gave a poor reply without giving any details. I wasn't sure if I should provide details of something this private, but these are my friends. Later Evans and I talked on the phone. We had a long discussion about all of the things that went wrong that was not obvious when looking from the outside. He realized that he judged me too quickly and apologized for that. He told Linda about what we talked about and reported back that she was glad to have both sides of the story. Our friendship, although damaged, was not over.

Guilt makes me do stupid things. Chantel's birthday was a couple weeks after I broke it off. No, I was not trying to avoid buying her a presant. While I was still talking to Chantel after the break up she had asked me if I would be ok with going to my brother's bar (15C) with her and our friends Linda and Evans. I had been wanting to take Evans to 15C for a couple years now because he loves a good classy bar that serves a good drink andhas good cigars. I agreed to do it but I felt like I was making a mistake. In talking to Evans about it, we both agreed that it was not going to be a normal night, but we would all try to be Chantel's friends and be there for her on her birthday.

I assumed that Chantel would stop at L & E's house on the way down since they all live north of Colorado Springs. Chantel being the one living the farthest away. I was incorrect. Chantel called and came down earlier. I felt as if I was having a bad dream. She came down loaded with a few outfits for the night because she could not decide what to wear. Linda wasn't sure what she was wearing since she is still trying to lose weight after having baby #2 (Jackson) a few months ago.

Seeing her try on these various outfits was frustrating in a couple of ways. She is one seriously sexy looking woman, and when she turns on the charm on top of looking so good it makes you really take notice. The problem with this is I knew she was intensionally fucking with my head. The queen of manipulation was in rare form this night.

We parked in the bank parking lot behind the bar and gave Evans directions so that he could do the same. We introduced L & E to my brother Mike and showed them around the bar. It was early so it wasn't very busy yet. We had dinner at a nice mexican place around the corner from the bar. All went well. Dinner was good and the conversation stayed very neutral and pleasant. The girls went to the restroom together so Evans and I discussed how it was going much better than anticipated so far, but we knew the night was far from over.

We walked back over to the bar. It was getting busy, but it was still fairly early. Chantel had left-overs from Dinner. She asked to put them in my car. I gave her my keys. I knew my brother would be covering a lot of our bar tab, but I knew the night was not going to be free like when I go alone or just with a date. We got the 2 couches in the corner of the bar. Our timing was perfect as some that was sitting there with his skanky date was getting up to leave. The alcohol started flowing. The ladies were ordering from the martini menu. Evans and Linda really liked my brother, and they were very impressed with the bar.

A few drinks into the night and no drama. I kept expecting the hammer to fall... well it did. Chantel gave me a look and pointed to her cell phone. I didn't understand what she was trying to say. I thought she was saying that she was going to make a call to check on her kids. Mind reading was a class I failed in college.

About 30 minutes later she told me to look at my phone. She had sent me a text message stating that she couldn't take it anymore. She knew my friendship with L&E was mended and that "her job was done" and that she was leaving. I got up and went over to her on the other couch and told her to stop being silly and lets continue to have a good night. She grabbed her purse and headed for the door.

Linda and Evans were not sure what was going on. I asked Linda to go after her. I told Evans about the text message and showed it to him. Then I realized that she had the keys to my car. I went out to the parking lot to get them back before she did something stupid like driving after a couple drinks (she's a major light weight).

When I got out to Linda and Chantel they were arguing. Chantel was in full dramatic form. When I approached I politley asked for my keys. She said that she was going to call a cab and not to worry, that she wasn't going to drive my car off a cliff. I asked her to please give me my keys. She refused and their argument continued. I walked back into the bar and informed Evans of the situation.

Evans has a very low tollerance for this bullshit. He went out to try to remedy the situation. Well I knew that wasn't going to do anything but throw gas on the fire. He returned minutes later, nothing resolved.

He and I had another drink and did some bitching and moaning about the whole situation. About 15 minutes later the girls came back in. Things seemed better, but then Chantel continued to drink. She went up to the bar and came back with a shot of some crap. I came to find out she had been drinking a number of shots.

Pretty soon she was falling down drunk...NOT GOOD! This meant that she was going to have to stay with me. Linda and Evans have 2 young kids. I was not going to put a drunk drama queen off on them for the night.

We got back to my place. My brother in law/roommate had his kids over for the weekend. Chantel made a B-line for the stairs. I was amazed she was able to walk (if that's what you call that). She made it upstairs and headed straight for my bathroom where she immediately started praying to the porcelane god. Not much came up, so I was sure there would be more.

I prepped for the worse. I cleaned out basin brought home from the hospital, something with bread to settle her stomache and a large glass of water. The next trick was going to be getting her in bed. She could no longer stand up. Part of this seemed like more drama for the night, but then again with that much alcohol in her system her sugars could be really high. I made sure she took her insulan. It took some time to get her into the bed. I had to help her off with her clothes. I put a t-shirt on her then went to get myself ready for bed. My plan was to sleep in one of my son's beds.

Then I heard her cry out. It was time for more hurling. She was too weak to even sit up. I had to hold her head, hair, and basin in place to make sure my bed didn't get spewed on. This went on few about 10 minutes until it settled down. I ended up sleeping in my own bed next to her in case Mount Chantel erupted again. Luckily it didn't, we both got a decent amount of sleep.

The next morning she felt better than someone in that previous condition should be allowed to feel. I was so glad I only had a couple drinks. Her mood was not great. She again talked about killing herself. I got annoyed with her and eventually sent her home.

A friend of mine, who is also a psychologist, and I have been talking a lot about this situation. She confirmed what I was also thinking, that my continued presents in Chantels life was only going to make her have hope and continue the drama. I needed to break off all ties.

Doing this is easier said than done. I do care about her, but I also want her to get past all of this and heal. I too have a lot of healing to do.