Coming out of the fog...

I am finally feeling normal again. Depression and anxiety sure do take its toll at times.

The lady that cuts my hair, is a very good friend. I met her a few days after the first time LaLa and I broke up (about 2 years ago). I knew I liked Tiffany, but was in a bad place at the time. After I was out of the funk I looked her up on Facebook. Unfortunately, she was married.

She has been wanting to set me up with some of her friends (one mentioned in my last post). I am very hesitant to go for a fix up. The last time it happened it turned out sooo badly after a couple months. I guess I am a little more open to it right now, but I am going to be very selective on the type of people friends set me up with.

I am not sure why she did this, but she pointed out a friend of hers on Facebook. I checked her out. She is very pretty, has a good job, but lives in California. I had to ask Tiffany if this lady was planning on moving here. Apparently not. I don't quite understand why she thinks this makes for a good relationship. I jokingly asked her if she was trying to get me to leave town. The last thing I need to add to my anxiety is a long distance relationship.

Last weekend another friend wanted our group of friend to meet her at a local restaurant in our neighborhood. Tiffany brought a girlfriend with her, and gave me a look like "you're gonna like this one". Oh my god, the pressure. I did hear her tell Tiffany that she was right, that I was quite the smart ass. Tiffany is obviously working both ends of this. Fortunately, I did like her. Unfortunately, that was a terrible location with a load of loud friends to get to know someone. This lady had to leave early. I guess she lives in Denver.

I have not heard from Tiffany about what her friend thought. Maybe I should just take it as her friend not liking something about me, which is fine. But I would like to know, either way.

Making it through...

This has been a difficult relationship to get past. I kept getting reminded of the final day of it by our mutual friends being nosy and wanting to know what happened. I don't really go into any detail as it really isn't their business. A few close friends saw it coming, since LaLa was never very nice to me in public. My friend Lolly asked me numerous times, including in front of LaLa, why I put up with her shit.

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately because these reminders would make me run the whole scene in my head. This would tense me up and get my mind spinning. Thoughts of, Oh, I should have said this, or that would run through my head. I have also had multiple dreams where we have gotten back together. I wake up and quickly realize it was just a dream. I truly have no desire to get back into a relationship with her. We still have not spoken since.

The anger is pretty much gone. I am now just at an uncomfortable point where I don't want to go to Meetup events where I know she will be there. It might require us clearing the air sometime, before I am comfortable with being in the same room.

Luckily I have many friends. Some groups of friends are in different circles than her closer friends. But I kind of do feel like I have lost a number of friends over this. There is a lot of indifference on my part as for whether I should even try to salvage a friendship for the sake of comfort in groups of friends.

Now there is the matter of other lady friends wanting to fix me up. I am 90% against it. It is more from a point of preserving our friendships than anything else. Meaning, if things go south, it could cause an impact on our friendships.

I have 2 different lady friends who want to set me up with the same lady. I met this lady at a birthday party a while back. It's hard to say if it's just my current state of mind, or what, but I am really not interested in her. She is a very nice person, but I think I am being hyper critical of all issues I have already seen. That tells me I should not be dating anyone.

So in the mean time I am going to photography classes and meetups, trying to improve my abilities. I feel a bit unfocused (so to speak) in this hobby, as I don't try to concentrate on any one genre of photography. I want to learn it all, yet I don't have enough time for all of that. I am going to dive into marco photography for the upcoming spring blooming. New equipment should be here Friday. I spend way too much money on this hobby.

Another one bites the dust

Don't let the title fool you, I'm not that callous about this.

I had been in a relationship that started out years earlier just as friends. You can read the one post I made about it here.

Laura (LaLa) and I have had a fairly difficult relationship. I cared for her very much, and at one point was seriously considering popping the question. But things happen in a relationship that make you re-think things. This has happened to me many times over the last 2 and a half years. I admit that there are times that I over-think things. I try to just enjoy what I have. Unfortunately, those things that nag you in the back of your mind can be spot on.

Everyone's personalities are all very different, and sifting through the various styles, opinions, and quirks can be difficult to navigate at times. Laura is one of those people that relates to people in different ways. Many people love her. She has a fun personality when out with a group of friends. She is very boisterous, crude and always the center of attention. She says what she means no matter what others might think. Many people love that. Some people immediately dislike her because of this. I was one of the former.

Then of course there are times when she doesn't like someone. If that is the case, you will be ignored. If you are one of these people, just want to fit in and try to get along, this will irritate her. Many times to the point where she will just get in your face. It is hard to watch this when it happens. Over the last couple years I have seen it happen far too often. She has even alienated her best friend, Linda. They no longer speak because of Laura verbally attacking a guy that Linda was dating. She has little to no tact, and doesn't understand how she has lost some of her closest friends over the last couple years.

You can't change a leopard's spots.

She has told me over the years that until she moved here she mostly had close guy friends. Now that I have some hindsight I know that it is because her girl friends got tired of her judgmental shit. She is the most stubborn person I think I have ever known, and expect everyone to either bend to her will, or not call her out on her shit.

My other friend by the name of Laura (Lolly) has gotten pissed at her MANY times. But I think she just chooses to forgive her. Lolly takes it extremely hard when she loses a friend, and avoids it, even when staying friends means subjecting yourself to a load of negativity pointed right at you.

Over this past year LaLa and I have had some very rough spots. I ended things back in January for many of the same reasons I broke things off this time. She tried to treat me better, and at times I really felt good about things, but then she would just come down on me with her bullshit so hard that it was very difficult to keep my heart into this relationship.

It has also felt like she was trying to keep us together for very selfish reasons. Not because she necessarily loved me. I know she cared about me, but most of the time it seemed like she didn't dare show me. When I asked her about it, she fully admitted that she had her guard up and kept me at arms length, so to speak.

I was dealing with this knowledge for a while, and we were having minor arguments stemming from that every couple weeks. Part of me wanted to keep on trying to see if this relationship could be fixed, but then the hammer fell...

I accidentally broke a Halloween decoration of hers that was hanging in the garage as I was leaving one night. I was unaware that I did this, but when she told me in a text as I was heading home, I knew that I must have. After explaining that I didn't know I had done that, apologized, and said I would replace it, she went off. I called to calm things down, but it just got way worse.

Suffice it to say that I don't like being scolded like I'm a 15 year old kid. She wouldn't tell me what the exact item was that I broke, so I ordered 3 items with 2 day shipping, so that it would get to her before the party she was having. I am sure I spent a lot more than what ever I broke was worth. Part of me was hoping she would call me up to apologize for how she reacted, knowing her as long as I have, I was pretty sure that wasn't going to happen. After all this and the struggles I've been having with her, I finally gave up on trying to make the relationship work.

2 Years have gone by...

The past couple years have be filled with all kinds of good and bad. This will just be an update of what's been going on

Work has been a struggle at times. The drive I used to have, which would make me go above and beyond has pretty much left me. I put in my 40 hours, and I don't volunteer for any new tasks. There have been too many times that my upper management would suggest we make some changes, and then fail to support any changes once we identify what can be done.

As far as my love life goes, it recently went south, and I had to end things. A lot of my friends wondered why I put up with her shit. I guess I finally had enough. I fee the need to vent about this, but quite frankly I want to stop thinking about it.

I have been trying to learn more about digital photography. It's something I want to get really good at. But this is an expensive hobby. There is a term that people in my photography group uses, GAS, which stands for Gear Acquisition Syndrome. I have been struck by this syndrome in the past couple years. It's like there is this feeling that this additional filter, lens, or camera body will make that next photography outing or hike the best one yet.

I am filling the rest of my time with home projects, doing things with my son, and hanging out with friends. This Christmas is hard for me because I am not visiting family in Michigan. We saw them all back in July when we all went to Maine. I took Erik, Kevin, and Kevin's girlfriend, Ashley with me. This is not a cheap trip. The flights alone were $700 each.

Finally I have really good news. My oldest son Kevin and Ashley, his girlfriend for the past ~4 years are now engaged. Kevin took Ashley out to the Broadmoor Hotel to check out their Christmas lighting, dropped to one knee and proposed a midst the seasonally lightning. The only thing I wish he would have done is have me there to take some pictures. That would have made him very nervous, so I understand him leaving me out of it.   :-)

Seriously??

I've been informed that I am taking on some guys from another department. My crew is growing, but I have mixed feelings about it. I just want to find a new job. Now it seems they are trying to make things a little better for me financially come next year. This is a dilemma.