I have been really down today...
My weekend has kind of sucked. I am wondering if my depression is coming back. I sure hope not.
Late this afternoon I read the blog that my brother-in-law created last years after my sister died last December. There were some new entries this week.
One where Paula had created these things she called letterboxes. She would create these handmade return-addressed postcards decorated using her enormous rubber stamp collection. She would send this out to friends of hers all over the world. Her friends would hide them in various places. The people that found them were to write a note of who they were, and when and where they found it, then send it back. Two of them arrived this week. My sister did some really cool shit. It amazes me still how she found the time.
Another entry was that John and Katie and a bunch of friends buried some of Paula's ashes in a plot in a park in Ann Arbor. John wanted to do this so that he has a peaceful place to go and talk to her. I wish I could have been there. They are planning on planting 1000 Daffodil bulbs for Paula somewhere nearby as well. Apparently they have done this together in the past just to make Ann Arbor even prettier. I will be there in about 6 weeks for my other sister's birthday. I'm sure we'll make the rounds.
Reading about this really brought everything to a head. Then of course my ex brings my kids over to pick some stuff up. I don't like my kids to see that I've been crying. I explained what was going on, but I don't really like to talk when I am like this.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Irritated
In my current job I don't have a local direct manager. This is both good and bad. My manager, Brian, currently works up in the Fort Collins office. He is a great boss, and I respect him a lot. I would never do anything to make him regret hiring me.
When I was hired I was told that since I don't have a local manager that this guy Doug would be a "dotted-line" manager to me. Doug is the manager of the software test department. I see the need for this arrangement, but I have been annoyed more than once with Doug. Brian has asked me from time to time how the arrangement is working with Doug. There was an incident early on that made Brian shut Doug down on something having to do with my responsibilities. I didn't know the details, but Brian wanted me to let him know if Doug over-steps his boundaries.
Doug seems to think that this "dotted-line" arrangement means he has some power over how I do my job (technically). Well, simply put, he hasn't a clue.
Doug invites me to his department meetings every week, maybe to give me a sense of belonging. I'm not sure. A couple weeks ago in Doug's weekly meeting he announced that we needed to cut way back on the working from home (what we call WFH). Every morning you will typically see at least 2 messages to the project e-mail group where someone is announcing that they are working from home, and how to contact them. Doug said we need to cut way back. I wasn't sure he was counting me in this "order" until he singled me out as needing special arrangements due to the weeks I have my kids. I thought this was odd. He now wants us to request a WFH day through him instead of just deciding to do it, and announcing it to the project.
I don't necessarily need "special arrangements", and especially not arranged by him. Brian, my REAL boss, told me months ago that he understands that sometimes you can't get things done in the office when you are constantly interrupted by the developers. He specifically told me that if I needed to work from home that I could. I don't abuse this privilege, and typically when I am WFH I am busy from the first thing in the morning until sometime late in the evening. Working from home does cause a slowdown because of the VPN connection.
On the weeks I have my kids I leave work early if I am requested to do a special "build" of our software late in the afternoon. It takes at least 2.5 hours to build our product, and many times these requests come in after 3. Once it gets to be that late I will leave and do the build from home. I have to get Erik from daycare before 6, so after 3 and I am pushing the time.
Anyway, right after Doug's meeting he had to leave town because of a death in the family (mother-in-law). He was gone for a week. He returned last Friday for half a day, then went on vacation for a few days until returning to the office yesterday.
Early this week since Brian is not here, and Doug was not available, another manager, Brad had to give me my written Work Force Management package. This is the contract that the company has put in place since they are moving the project to Scotland. The package states when my last day will be (June 30, 2006) and all of the payouts I will have (roughly 5 months of pay as a severance package). Brad told me how he was so glad that they hired me. He complimented me on the fact that I don't need a lot of hand-holding, and came in and figured things out and made some immediate improvement in their processes. He offered a lot of advice that managers are not supposed to give us for these coming months before the lay-offs. He also said he will gladly provide me a letter of recommendation even though I don't report to him in any way (although he benefits greatly from me keeping things on track). That was a great ego boost.
While Doug was gone I had 2 days that I needed to work from home. The first was because of icy streets after our snow storm. I worked at home until from 7:30 until noon, then I went in to the office and worked until 6. Then I stayed home with my kids one day while they were on their fall break (some people did WFH most of that week).
Yesterday after Doug got back in the office he asked if I could walk down the hall with him. He wanted to discuss the WFM. At first he was very calm and was clarifying his point from the meeting 2 weeks ago. I told him I understood. He told me that he knows I work very hard and everyone is very pleased with the work I do. He then got an attitude with me and said that I was insubordinate when I was WFM those 2 days. Well I stayed calm, but I was thinking 2 things. How the FUCK am I supposed to get his "permission" for WFM when he is not here, and I don't need him getting in my face about this when I work my fucking ass off.
I was totally pissed off, but hid it well. I explained to him that since he had to be gone right after that meeting I didn't know I needed to inform him, it wasn't like he could determine if it was going to cause a problem. He said that he appointed Antoine (one of his Sr. Testers) as in charge while he was gone. I felt like saying "Excuse me, but I don't fucking report to you OR Antoine", but I held my tongue.
Most of the time I like Doug. He's a reasonable person. I am going to send Brian an e-mail about all this. I am 90% sure he'll be on my side on this, but you never know with management types. He is swamped with relocating the Fort Collins office to Loveland next weekend. I know he is totally stressed out without having to deal with this.
I was going to do a Arch Enemy/Nemesis post like Steph and Chrissie wrote, then this popped in my head and I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for letting me vent. As usual I have way too much to spew.
When I was hired I was told that since I don't have a local manager that this guy Doug would be a "dotted-line" manager to me. Doug is the manager of the software test department. I see the need for this arrangement, but I have been annoyed more than once with Doug. Brian has asked me from time to time how the arrangement is working with Doug. There was an incident early on that made Brian shut Doug down on something having to do with my responsibilities. I didn't know the details, but Brian wanted me to let him know if Doug over-steps his boundaries.
Doug seems to think that this "dotted-line" arrangement means he has some power over how I do my job (technically). Well, simply put, he hasn't a clue.
Doug invites me to his department meetings every week, maybe to give me a sense of belonging. I'm not sure. A couple weeks ago in Doug's weekly meeting he announced that we needed to cut way back on the working from home (what we call WFH). Every morning you will typically see at least 2 messages to the project e-mail group where someone is announcing that they are working from home, and how to contact them. Doug said we need to cut way back. I wasn't sure he was counting me in this "order" until he singled me out as needing special arrangements due to the weeks I have my kids. I thought this was odd. He now wants us to request a WFH day through him instead of just deciding to do it, and announcing it to the project.
I don't necessarily need "special arrangements", and especially not arranged by him. Brian, my REAL boss, told me months ago that he understands that sometimes you can't get things done in the office when you are constantly interrupted by the developers. He specifically told me that if I needed to work from home that I could. I don't abuse this privilege, and typically when I am WFH I am busy from the first thing in the morning until sometime late in the evening. Working from home does cause a slowdown because of the VPN connection.
On the weeks I have my kids I leave work early if I am requested to do a special "build" of our software late in the afternoon. It takes at least 2.5 hours to build our product, and many times these requests come in after 3. Once it gets to be that late I will leave and do the build from home. I have to get Erik from daycare before 6, so after 3 and I am pushing the time.
Anyway, right after Doug's meeting he had to leave town because of a death in the family (mother-in-law). He was gone for a week. He returned last Friday for half a day, then went on vacation for a few days until returning to the office yesterday.
Early this week since Brian is not here, and Doug was not available, another manager, Brad had to give me my written Work Force Management package. This is the contract that the company has put in place since they are moving the project to Scotland. The package states when my last day will be (June 30, 2006) and all of the payouts I will have (roughly 5 months of pay as a severance package). Brad told me how he was so glad that they hired me. He complimented me on the fact that I don't need a lot of hand-holding, and came in and figured things out and made some immediate improvement in their processes. He offered a lot of advice that managers are not supposed to give us for these coming months before the lay-offs. He also said he will gladly provide me a letter of recommendation even though I don't report to him in any way (although he benefits greatly from me keeping things on track). That was a great ego boost.
While Doug was gone I had 2 days that I needed to work from home. The first was because of icy streets after our snow storm. I worked at home until from 7:30 until noon, then I went in to the office and worked until 6. Then I stayed home with my kids one day while they were on their fall break (some people did WFH most of that week).
Yesterday after Doug got back in the office he asked if I could walk down the hall with him. He wanted to discuss the WFM. At first he was very calm and was clarifying his point from the meeting 2 weeks ago. I told him I understood. He told me that he knows I work very hard and everyone is very pleased with the work I do. He then got an attitude with me and said that I was insubordinate when I was WFM those 2 days. Well I stayed calm, but I was thinking 2 things. How the FUCK am I supposed to get his "permission" for WFM when he is not here, and I don't need him getting in my face about this when I work my fucking ass off.
I was totally pissed off, but hid it well. I explained to him that since he had to be gone right after that meeting I didn't know I needed to inform him, it wasn't like he could determine if it was going to cause a problem. He said that he appointed Antoine (one of his Sr. Testers) as in charge while he was gone. I felt like saying "Excuse me, but I don't fucking report to you OR Antoine", but I held my tongue.
Most of the time I like Doug. He's a reasonable person. I am going to send Brian an e-mail about all this. I am 90% sure he'll be on my side on this, but you never know with management types. He is swamped with relocating the Fort Collins office to Loveland next weekend. I know he is totally stressed out without having to deal with this.
I was going to do a Arch Enemy/Nemesis post like Steph and Chrissie wrote, then this popped in my head and I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for letting me vent. As usual I have way too much to spew.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
As tagged by Mel,
1. List your top 5 80's songs – There's no way I can possibly figure out my top five. Here's some great ones.
1. List your top 5 80's songs – There's no way I can possibly figure out my top five. Here's some great ones.
Elvis Costello - (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding
The Police - Next To You
Marshall Crenshaw - Someday, Someway
Gary Myrick & The Figures – She Talks In Stereo
Joe Jackson – Sunday Papers
The Police - Next To You
Marshall Crenshaw - Someday, Someway
Gary Myrick & The Figures – She Talks In Stereo
Joe Jackson – Sunday Papers
2. List your top 5 favourite scents (not necessarily perfume)
Spring time in the Rockies
Freshly baked bread
Orange Ginger (Bed, Bath & Beyond)
An ex-girlfriend's perfume (I have no idea what it was)
Outside, after the rain.
3. List your top 5 holiday destinations
Vegas, baby
Australia (someday)
Disney World
California (many parts)
Michigan (family)
4. List your top 5 favourite nightclubs/pubs/haunts where you live.
15C Club
Phantom Canyon Brewery
Laff's
Sing Song
Jack Quinn's
5. List your top 5 favourite drinks.
Velvet Hammer (a martini at 15C Club, Colorado Springs, CO)
Jamison (shots)
Glenmorangie (w/ splash of water)
Side Car
Tommyknocker Maple Nut Brown Ale
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Late Weekend Report
It was a pretty busy weekend with me and the kids. It started off with us all going to see Flightplan. Not a bad movie. Somewhat predictable, but had a couple good twists.
Saturday we slept in, which I desperately needed after staying up too late the previous 3 nights. Once I was up we decided to take advantage of the nice day and go for a bike ride. We took the same trail we went on a few weeks ago, but we went earlier so we could ride further.
That is Erik on the left and Kevin on the right.
The sun was shining with a few clouds in the sky when we got started. The Autumn colors were out, but we've probably missed the really good colors in our area. I love it when the scrub oak changes to a bright red.
The Santa Fe Trail goes through most, if not all of Colorado following the front range of the Rockies. Through the city I believe the trail is paved with asphalt (who's fault?) most of the way through, but on the north end of town it is a dirt trail. It is not a technical ride, but has a few hills along the way that can challenge a novice. I am a novice, but last year I had a friend who was into riding her bike a lot, I decided that this would be a good way for me to get some much needed exercise. She introduced me to the trail.
We take the trail from about a mile or 2 south of where it turns to dirt and ride north. A few miles up it enters the Air Force Academy grounds. If you've ever been to Colorado Springs this is one of the prettiest areas.
Erik only has a 10 speed, and he is still getting used to dealing with shifting gears. He gets a bit frustrated, but with some guidance and encouragement he does really well. I just need to keep Kevin from trying to tell him what to do. Even with 5 years difference in their ages, the sibling rivalry is very much there. It doesn't help when Kevin tells Erik to shift up when he should shift down. I'll eventually get him an 18 speed, but until he gets the shifting down I don't see the point.
This time around we went a good 12 to 15 miles up into the Air Force Academy ground. We saw lots of snakes along the trail. Some of them could have been baby rattlers, but I didn't want to stop and look. I warned the boys not to stop and check them out, because boys will be boys.
On the way back down it was getting chilly. We saw a 3'+ bull snake sunning itself on the trail. It looked like a few people hadn't seen it and ran over it. It was still alive and freaked out everyone that passed as I tried to block others from causing more damage to the poor thing.
Unfortunately my digital camera doesn't give an accurate reading of the amount of battery charge that remains so I only got a few pictures from some of the least pretty areas. I'll be smarter next time. We went about 3 or 4 miles further than we did our last time out. One of these times I'll take my GPS unit with us to get an accurate reading.
We stayed home Saturday night. Kevin had a friend spend the night. This usually ends up being a bad idea, but they were really good about letting Erik participate. The XBox tends to get a lot of use on nights like this. They stayed up late and watched a few episodes of the first season of 24. My kids are way into the show, just like me. I had watched these episodes last week while they were with their mom, but I didn't tell them that. The kids eventually were all asleep on an air mattress and the couch. That's where I left them.
Sunday I slept in again. I am going to get to enjoy that if I'm not careful. I eventually woke up due to XBox noise with the volume turned way up. I didn't complain, I needed to get my ass moving. We were headed for mom's in Pueblo to have yet another birthday celebration for Erik.
I invited Rayette to bring her kids along. Her oldest son came. We had fun trying to inflate this hot air balloon thing that my mom bought Erik. She always finds the oddest toys. This would have been really cool if it would have worked. There was a slight breeze that was preventing it from filling.
We had a great lunch, cake, and ice cream. The hit the living room to watch a little of the Bronco game. Rayette is a huge Bronco fan. I am torn between the Broncos and the Lions (ya, I know, don't laugh). Two years ago when Rayette and I were first dating she bought tickets for the cross conference match-up of Broncos vs Lions. It was hard to cheer for both sides. I ended up giving in and cheering for the broncos. I snagged a t-shirt on the way out with both team helmets on the front (score!). I had a hard time answering a question in one of my last posts about the most romantic thing a woman has ever done for me. This was probably it, because it also came with spending the night in Denver (her dad works for Holiday Inn, so the room was nice and cheap). We went out to the bar Sing Song (dueling piano bar). What an awesome weekend. Anyway I digress.
We needed to leave early because I had tickets to a comedy show in Colorado Springs. Unfortunately Rayette could not find someone to cover her on-call time at the hospital. She decided to give it a try too late. She missed an excellent show. My friends Mike and Irma and I had dinner at my favorite brew pub before walking to the show. The comedians were Henry Phillips, Drew Hastings, and Pat Godwin. I laughed my fool head off. Pat Godwin is so damn funny. I am really sorry she missed it.
Saturday we slept in, which I desperately needed after staying up too late the previous 3 nights. Once I was up we decided to take advantage of the nice day and go for a bike ride. We took the same trail we went on a few weeks ago, but we went earlier so we could ride further.That is Erik on the left and Kevin on the right.
The sun was shining with a few clouds in the sky when we got started. The Autumn colors were out, but we've probably missed the really good colors in our area. I love it when the scrub oak changes to a bright red.
The Santa Fe Trail goes through most, if not all of Colorado following the front range of the Rockies. Through the city I believe the trail is paved with asphalt (who's fault?) most of the way through, but on the north end of town it is a dirt trail. It is not a technical ride, but has a few hills along the way that can challenge a novice. I am a novice, but last year I had a friend who was into riding her bike a lot, I decided that this would be a good way for me to get some much needed exercise. She introduced me to the trail.We take the trail from about a mile or 2 south of where it turns to dirt and ride north. A few miles up it enters the Air Force Academy grounds. If you've ever been to Colorado Springs this is one of the prettiest areas.
Erik only has a 10 speed, and he is still getting used to dealing with shifting gears. He gets a bit frustrated, but with some guidance and encouragement he does really well. I just need to keep Kevin from trying to tell him what to do. Even with 5 years difference in their ages, the sibling rivalry is very much there. It doesn't help when Kevin tells Erik to shift up when he should shift down. I'll eventually get him an 18 speed, but until he gets the shifting down I don't see the point.
This time around we went a good 12 to 15 miles up into the Air Force Academy ground. We saw lots of snakes along the trail. Some of them could have been baby rattlers, but I didn't want to stop and look. I warned the boys not to stop and check them out, because boys will be boys.On the way back down it was getting chilly. We saw a 3'+ bull snake sunning itself on the trail. It looked like a few people hadn't seen it and ran over it. It was still alive and freaked out everyone that passed as I tried to block others from causing more damage to the poor thing.
Unfortunately my digital camera doesn't give an accurate reading of the amount of battery charge that remains so I only got a few pictures from some of the least pretty areas. I'll be smarter next time. We went about 3 or 4 miles further than we did our last time out. One of these times I'll take my GPS unit with us to get an accurate reading.
We stayed home Saturday night. Kevin had a friend spend the night. This usually ends up being a bad idea, but they were really good about letting Erik participate. The XBox tends to get a lot of use on nights like this. They stayed up late and watched a few episodes of the first season of 24. My kids are way into the show, just like me. I had watched these episodes last week while they were with their mom, but I didn't tell them that. The kids eventually were all asleep on an air mattress and the couch. That's where I left them.
Sunday I slept in again. I am going to get to enjoy that if I'm not careful. I eventually woke up due to XBox noise with the volume turned way up. I didn't complain, I needed to get my ass moving. We were headed for mom's in Pueblo to have yet another birthday celebration for Erik.
I invited Rayette to bring her kids along. Her oldest son came. We had fun trying to inflate this hot air balloon thing that my mom bought Erik. She always finds the oddest toys. This would have been really cool if it would have worked. There was a slight breeze that was preventing it from filling.
We had a great lunch, cake, and ice cream. The hit the living room to watch a little of the Bronco game. Rayette is a huge Bronco fan. I am torn between the Broncos and the Lions (ya, I know, don't laugh). Two years ago when Rayette and I were first dating she bought tickets for the cross conference match-up of Broncos vs Lions. It was hard to cheer for both sides. I ended up giving in and cheering for the broncos. I snagged a t-shirt on the way out with both team helmets on the front (score!). I had a hard time answering a question in one of my last posts about the most romantic thing a woman has ever done for me. This was probably it, because it also came with spending the night in Denver (her dad works for Holiday Inn, so the room was nice and cheap). We went out to the bar Sing Song (dueling piano bar). What an awesome weekend. Anyway I digress.
We needed to leave early because I had tickets to a comedy show in Colorado Springs. Unfortunately Rayette could not find someone to cover her on-call time at the hospital. She decided to give it a try too late. She missed an excellent show. My friends Mike and Irma and I had dinner at my favorite brew pub before walking to the show. The comedians were Henry Phillips, Drew Hastings, and Pat Godwin. I laughed my fool head off. Pat Godwin is so damn funny. I am really sorry she missed it.
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