Five things I miss from my childhood:
1. My dogs growing up
2. Playing baseball at the park across the street with all my friends
3. My sister
4. Watching Godzilla and Abbott and Costello movies
5. Playing cards in the spokes of my bike
Five things I don't miss:
1. Stuffed green peppers
2. Going to school/Abusive teachers
3. Fighting with my brother on a daily basis
4. Fear of my dad
5. Living in a smoke filled house
Friday, September 16, 2005
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Weekend Report
Well, my weekend was great!
Meeting Michelle finally after talking to her for the past 2-3 years was great. We got along just as we have via e-mail, chat, and on the phone. She is a great lady. Sorry to report that I was not allowed to take any pictures. She told me about one guy that she used to date that would take her picture all the time when she wasn't expecting it, and she hates having her picture taken. I honored her wishes.
We stayed at the Luxor, which I probably will not do again, only because of how the place is arranged. It was very disorienting. We had a lot of fun checking out some of the sites in Vegas. Our legs were tired from walking the concrete. I didn't do much gambling around her as she isn't much into it. The last thing I wanted to do was have her get bored.
Sunday was kind of uncomfortable. We have been good friends for quite some time, and finally being together made it obvious that we are very compatible. But then comes the time when you have to part. She drove there from Arizona, so she had a few road hours to do. She needed to get on the road around 3 pm. My flight wasn't until after 11 pm, so I was on my own.
Although she promised before we met that she said she wouldn't cry when she had to go, there was no stopping it. She apologized which in turn made me tear up as well. She is a great lady, and for some reason has the same problem I have meeting someone locally that is "right" for her. It was a sad moment in an otherwise great weekend.
Should I not ever do this again? If there is no chance in a relationship, does meeting people this way only cause eventual pain? In the case of Michelle we both have known for a very long time that we like each other a lot, but a relationship beyond good friends is impossible. I have quite a few friends on-line, some I talk to on a regular basis. Most of them are women. Not on a sexual level, just as good friends. We talk about work, kids, family, dating, just like I do with friends I have here. Sometimes the conversation delve into sex, but more of a guess what happened to me talk more than a flirtation with each other. Yes, there is sometimes the flirtation going on. I have been told I am a big flirt at times, but it is really just in play. Everyone understands that and they do the same.
Sometimes we fantasize about the what if, but never take it all that seriously. Am I giving mixed signals even though there isn't a chance of a relationship past a friendship? I know that sexual attraction plays a part in our relationship (even bigger now), but are we doing more harm than good to ourselves? We've always been very supportive of each other when we are dating people, but now this is probably going to change. I will always remain her friend, and I hope that our meeting doesn't change that.
I hit the blackjack tables again after Michelle was on the road. I was already up almost $100 from an earlier time at the tables. I sat at one table and lost a quick $50 and moved to another table quickly. I found an almost full table with room for me that had a good bunch of people. I played there for a couple hours. The dealer assigned to our table was an Asian lady named Lally. She was a crack up. It's always more fun with a good group of people and a fun dealer.
I was down, then up, then down again. We were telling the pit boss, John, who was also cool, that Lally was killing us. He said he'll have her taken out back and beaten. She then went on a break. Her replacement dealer was another nice lady named Mary that was the type to give hints of advice to the players as to how she would play a certain hand. For the 15 minutes she was there I was suddenly up a lot. Not that she influenced my hands much, but she helped the others to play smarter as well. Regardless, I was up about $150 for the day.
Lally returned, and everyone kind of groaned. It was really funny, and she didn't take it bad. She gave us as much shit as we gave her. My stacks of chips was starting to fluctuate again. It doesn't make sense to me that the dealer could have that kind of influence on the game. I was holding my own, but I wasn't gaining anything. Suddenly, it was time for Lally to take another break. Up walks Mary, I screamed "Hurray!", but only in my head. I started winning again. Freakish luck is the only way to explain it.
When Lally returned from her break I was up around $300 for the day. Me and most of the folks at the table started yelling for the pit boss not to let her come back. We were all just kidding around... sort of. John was laughing his ass off (at the same time probably working up a promotion for Lally). This time around I actually was gaining more with Lally. I was up around $350. I suddenly felt the need to leave the table. I don't know if it was hunger, or intuition. I stepped away and headed for the restaurant. I hate eating alone.
It wasn't time to leave for the airport, but I also didn't want to squander my winnings. Well, I headed back over to the table I was at before. Everyone that had been there for the previous few hours was gone, including Lally and Mary. Did I get away just at the right time?
I went to another table that looked promising. The people there were laughing it up. I figured what the hell. I sat and played for maybe a half hour. The guys were ego maniacs and the girls listening to their bullshit. It was kind of uncomfortable. In 30 minutes I lost a quick $100. I figured that was enough.
I left for the airport early. I knew it was going to be busy even though it was such a late flight. I went to the AmWest area, and saw the line from hell. I was thinking holy shit it's good that I came early. Just getting an e-ticket boarding pass without checking bags took me close to an hour. I got to my gate and figured I at least I wouldn't have too long of a wait there. Well, my flight was delayed minutes before we were to board due to mechanical problems. I sat in the stinking noisy airport with slot machines going off behind me for hours. I finally fell asleep once everyone stopped playing those damn one armed bandits (I really hate them). Then maybe 15 minutes later we started boarding. We were the last flight out. I think it was close to 2:00 am.
I was not able to sleep on the plane. The girl next to me was nervous, and her new husband, who was sitting across the aisle from her, wouldn't ask the guy next to him to switch seats with his bride. I was trying to sleep but then I felt her leaning on me. She fell asleep. I couldn't sleep with her pushing against me, but I didn't want to wake her either. She finally woke up and apologized for leaning on me. She said that she was freezing and that she tends to move toward warmth... trust me, I am very warm.
Well, I finally got to my house around 5:30 am and got ready to go to bed. I was supposed to go to work in a couple hours, but there was no way I could do that. I sent my boss and another manager an e-mail saying I would be in around noon. I slept good until around 8, then tossed and turned, finally giving up on sleep around 10.
Meeting Michelle finally after talking to her for the past 2-3 years was great. We got along just as we have via e-mail, chat, and on the phone. She is a great lady. Sorry to report that I was not allowed to take any pictures. She told me about one guy that she used to date that would take her picture all the time when she wasn't expecting it, and she hates having her picture taken. I honored her wishes.
We stayed at the Luxor, which I probably will not do again, only because of how the place is arranged. It was very disorienting. We had a lot of fun checking out some of the sites in Vegas. Our legs were tired from walking the concrete. I didn't do much gambling around her as she isn't much into it. The last thing I wanted to do was have her get bored.
Sunday was kind of uncomfortable. We have been good friends for quite some time, and finally being together made it obvious that we are very compatible. But then comes the time when you have to part. She drove there from Arizona, so she had a few road hours to do. She needed to get on the road around 3 pm. My flight wasn't until after 11 pm, so I was on my own.
Although she promised before we met that she said she wouldn't cry when she had to go, there was no stopping it. She apologized which in turn made me tear up as well. She is a great lady, and for some reason has the same problem I have meeting someone locally that is "right" for her. It was a sad moment in an otherwise great weekend.
Should I not ever do this again? If there is no chance in a relationship, does meeting people this way only cause eventual pain? In the case of Michelle we both have known for a very long time that we like each other a lot, but a relationship beyond good friends is impossible. I have quite a few friends on-line, some I talk to on a regular basis. Most of them are women. Not on a sexual level, just as good friends. We talk about work, kids, family, dating, just like I do with friends I have here. Sometimes the conversation delve into sex, but more of a guess what happened to me talk more than a flirtation with each other. Yes, there is sometimes the flirtation going on. I have been told I am a big flirt at times, but it is really just in play. Everyone understands that and they do the same.
Sometimes we fantasize about the what if, but never take it all that seriously. Am I giving mixed signals even though there isn't a chance of a relationship past a friendship? I know that sexual attraction plays a part in our relationship (even bigger now), but are we doing more harm than good to ourselves? We've always been very supportive of each other when we are dating people, but now this is probably going to change. I will always remain her friend, and I hope that our meeting doesn't change that.
I hit the blackjack tables again after Michelle was on the road. I was already up almost $100 from an earlier time at the tables. I sat at one table and lost a quick $50 and moved to another table quickly. I found an almost full table with room for me that had a good bunch of people. I played there for a couple hours. The dealer assigned to our table was an Asian lady named Lally. She was a crack up. It's always more fun with a good group of people and a fun dealer.
I was down, then up, then down again. We were telling the pit boss, John, who was also cool, that Lally was killing us. He said he'll have her taken out back and beaten. She then went on a break. Her replacement dealer was another nice lady named Mary that was the type to give hints of advice to the players as to how she would play a certain hand. For the 15 minutes she was there I was suddenly up a lot. Not that she influenced my hands much, but she helped the others to play smarter as well. Regardless, I was up about $150 for the day.
Lally returned, and everyone kind of groaned. It was really funny, and she didn't take it bad. She gave us as much shit as we gave her. My stacks of chips was starting to fluctuate again. It doesn't make sense to me that the dealer could have that kind of influence on the game. I was holding my own, but I wasn't gaining anything. Suddenly, it was time for Lally to take another break. Up walks Mary, I screamed "Hurray!", but only in my head. I started winning again. Freakish luck is the only way to explain it.
When Lally returned from her break I was up around $300 for the day. Me and most of the folks at the table started yelling for the pit boss not to let her come back. We were all just kidding around... sort of. John was laughing his ass off (at the same time probably working up a promotion for Lally). This time around I actually was gaining more with Lally. I was up around $350. I suddenly felt the need to leave the table. I don't know if it was hunger, or intuition. I stepped away and headed for the restaurant. I hate eating alone.
It wasn't time to leave for the airport, but I also didn't want to squander my winnings. Well, I headed back over to the table I was at before. Everyone that had been there for the previous few hours was gone, including Lally and Mary. Did I get away just at the right time?
I went to another table that looked promising. The people there were laughing it up. I figured what the hell. I sat and played for maybe a half hour. The guys were ego maniacs and the girls listening to their bullshit. It was kind of uncomfortable. In 30 minutes I lost a quick $100. I figured that was enough.
I left for the airport early. I knew it was going to be busy even though it was such a late flight. I went to the AmWest area, and saw the line from hell. I was thinking holy shit it's good that I came early. Just getting an e-ticket boarding pass without checking bags took me close to an hour. I got to my gate and figured I at least I wouldn't have too long of a wait there. Well, my flight was delayed minutes before we were to board due to mechanical problems. I sat in the stinking noisy airport with slot machines going off behind me for hours. I finally fell asleep once everyone stopped playing those damn one armed bandits (I really hate them). Then maybe 15 minutes later we started boarding. We were the last flight out. I think it was close to 2:00 am.
I was not able to sleep on the plane. The girl next to me was nervous, and her new husband, who was sitting across the aisle from her, wouldn't ask the guy next to him to switch seats with his bride. I was trying to sleep but then I felt her leaning on me. She fell asleep. I couldn't sleep with her pushing against me, but I didn't want to wake her either. She finally woke up and apologized for leaning on me. She said that she was freezing and that she tends to move toward warmth... trust me, I am very warm.
Well, I finally got to my house around 5:30 am and got ready to go to bed. I was supposed to go to work in a couple hours, but there was no way I could do that. I sent my boss and another manager an e-mail saying I would be in around noon. I slept good until around 8, then tossed and turned, finally giving up on sleep around 10.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Relaxed Panic
I sit here in the Colorado Springs airport waiting to go to Vegas, and I have been a bundle of nerves all morning. It started off with Kevin giving me attitude because he is jealous that I am going to Vegas without him, not that he has ever been there, but he loves to travel. I am regretting the fact that I told them.
Erik's homework that according to Irene has been checked was sitting on the kitchen table. It had the question "How many fingers and toes are there in your home?". He was supposed to show how he came up with the answer. Well... his answer was 90. Irene checked this? I asked him about it and he said she did. We got in an argument about his mother would not let him turn in a homework assignment that is that wrong.
I got to the airport with reservation on AmericaWest "serviced by Mesa Air". The web site said to check in with the servicing airline. I went to the Mesa desk and the only flights they had were to Albuquerque. I trekked my happy ass down to the other end of the ticketing area and found the AmWest desk. It was the very last one. I was starting to think they weren't here anymore.
So I got in line to get my boarding pass and I here the agent tell this guy and his daughter, "No, your reservations were for yesterday." I thought to myself, what an idiot, but after further thought I remember almost doing that myself. I then felt bad for the people.
Kevin didn't play in the football game the other day. He is starting to get an attitude about not playing. I would bet he'll want to quit soon. I am going to try to keep him on the team as long as I can even though it is a burden on me. Irene and I agree that it has been good for him so far. He has lost weight, gained a lot of muscle, and is truly concerned about keeping his grades up. Irene said to him yesterday when I was picking the kids up from her house that if he sticks with it he will be much better prepared for next year. Kids don't have the capability of that much forethought, but she is right. I also don't want him to think it's ok to quit just because you don't get to play. I would feel the same about him playing the trumpet. I wouldn't want him to quit if he wasn't first chair.
We played some of the music he is practicing for their next concert last night. The teacher was nice enough to send home trombone parts home with Kevin so that I could play along with him. He is sounding really good even with the braces on. I guess it just takes some time for your muscles to adjust.
Michelle is on the road driving to Vegas as I write. We've been texting back and forth all morning. I am getting really nervous about the weekend. I knew it would eventually hit me. We are not putting any expectations on the weekend, but I am just reminded about a previous meeting I had years ago that went very wrong.
Deep breaths.
Erik's homework that according to Irene has been checked was sitting on the kitchen table. It had the question "How many fingers and toes are there in your home?". He was supposed to show how he came up with the answer. Well... his answer was 90. Irene checked this? I asked him about it and he said she did. We got in an argument about his mother would not let him turn in a homework assignment that is that wrong.
I got to the airport with reservation on AmericaWest "serviced by Mesa Air". The web site said to check in with the servicing airline. I went to the Mesa desk and the only flights they had were to Albuquerque. I trekked my happy ass down to the other end of the ticketing area and found the AmWest desk. It was the very last one. I was starting to think they weren't here anymore.
So I got in line to get my boarding pass and I here the agent tell this guy and his daughter, "No, your reservations were for yesterday." I thought to myself, what an idiot, but after further thought I remember almost doing that myself. I then felt bad for the people.
Kevin didn't play in the football game the other day. He is starting to get an attitude about not playing. I would bet he'll want to quit soon. I am going to try to keep him on the team as long as I can even though it is a burden on me. Irene and I agree that it has been good for him so far. He has lost weight, gained a lot of muscle, and is truly concerned about keeping his grades up. Irene said to him yesterday when I was picking the kids up from her house that if he sticks with it he will be much better prepared for next year. Kids don't have the capability of that much forethought, but she is right. I also don't want him to think it's ok to quit just because you don't get to play. I would feel the same about him playing the trumpet. I wouldn't want him to quit if he wasn't first chair.
We played some of the music he is practicing for their next concert last night. The teacher was nice enough to send home trombone parts home with Kevin so that I could play along with him. He is sounding really good even with the braces on. I guess it just takes some time for your muscles to adjust.
Michelle is on the road driving to Vegas as I write. We've been texting back and forth all morning. I am getting really nervous about the weekend. I knew it would eventually hit me. We are not putting any expectations on the weekend, but I am just reminded about a previous meeting I had years ago that went very wrong.
Deep breaths.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Viva!!!!
Well, I'm anxiously waiting to leave tomorrow for Vegas. The stress of work has really gotten to me lately. Maybe it is mostly due to the impending doom for our project (move to Scotland). It seems like little things have been irritating me more than they normally would.
The kids have been great. I haven't had any problems with them all week. Chantel was a good influence on them in that she really tried to keep them from fighting, even if it was play fighting (which would inevitibly end up as a real fight). I haven't told them much about what is going on with work. I don't want to worry. I'm not worried about it, I just don't like to keep starting over at new places over and over.
Than being said, I don't want to go 3 months without work again, so when the lay-off does happen I am going to take the first good contract position even if out of state. It won't be a permanent plan. I will also be looking for work here in town. Commuting to Denver is looking less appealing considering the price of gas. YIKES!
I heard on the radio that gas prices should start to drop in the near future. I sure as hell hope so. I had a quarter tank left in my truck (I seldom drive the truck). It cost me $56 to fill the damn thing, and it doesn't have the big tank. I don't think I'll be making any road trips this year.
The kids have been great. I haven't had any problems with them all week. Chantel was a good influence on them in that she really tried to keep them from fighting, even if it was play fighting (which would inevitibly end up as a real fight). I haven't told them much about what is going on with work. I don't want to worry. I'm not worried about it, I just don't like to keep starting over at new places over and over.
Than being said, I don't want to go 3 months without work again, so when the lay-off does happen I am going to take the first good contract position even if out of state. It won't be a permanent plan. I will also be looking for work here in town. Commuting to Denver is looking less appealing considering the price of gas. YIKES!
I heard on the radio that gas prices should start to drop in the near future. I sure as hell hope so. I had a quarter tank left in my truck (I seldom drive the truck). It cost me $56 to fill the damn thing, and it doesn't have the big tank. I don't think I'll be making any road trips this year.
Monday, September 05, 2005
My lack of religion
I was asked by someone in this fabulous bloggy world after I made a comment in his blog, "Why have you never been religious? Has it just never come up or are you trying to be a spiritual Switzerland?". He was not being judgmental, just being curious.
I used to just avoid talking about religion because it made me uncomfortable because of my ignorance, but over the years I have discussed various aspects of my lack of religion. I figure here is a good place to answer Zane's questions...
My immediate family has never gone to church together. My mother and father went regularly when they were young. I went to church a few times with friends and neighbors as a kid, but very infrequently. I didn't know why we didn't go as a family. When I was about 9 or 10 I asked my mom . For me to remember all of this means that I thought very hard about it.
The reason was that my dad had been married before and divorced, and that divorced people were excommunicated from the Catholic church. Then she went on to say that since she married someone that was divorced that she was not allowed either. I didn't pry any further since I was hardly even aware that my dad had been married before (let alone that this was his 3rd marriage). I kind of wanted to get away from the subject since discussing my dad being previously married made me uncomfortable. I don't think my mom liked talking about it either. I often wondered why getting a divorce (which was very rare in those days) would cause such a severe reaction. Over the years I ran into other questions about various religions that added to my confusion.
I know I am generalizing here, but I think my main problem with religions in general is that they all think they are right and others are wrong. It made me wonder if any of them were right. The more I thought about it the less I cared for any organized religion.
Back when I was about 20 I went to church one time with my girlfriend and her family. I don't remember the denomination for sure, but I think it was Methodist. I paid attention to what the preacher was saying until he started making fun of Catholics. This irritated me, not because my affiliation with the Catholic church through family, but because he was making fun of another religion.
I have friends that belong to various religions. I asked around why this joke made any sense. One of my best friends told me how various Christian religions started out as the same, then as various doctrines were put in place people were out raged and they split off to make there own religion. My friend asked me if I believed in God, my reply, "I don't know". He explained that I am agnostic. He explained that it means that I am unsure about the existence of God. I agreed with him.
My ex-wife called me an atheist many times over the years which of course was absolutely wrong. I don't judge people because of what religion they belong, so I also don't think it is fair that I be judged because I am what Zane called spiritual Switzerland.
I appreciate the good that churches do for people. Then there is the assistance that the churches give to the needy. I have a lot of respect for my religious friends in how they get involved with the church groups. They create a feeling of community that is missing in today's society.
But the there are so many things I don't understand, like why churches need to try to recruit me? I don't mean the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Mormons that tend to be the ones that do the majority of the "recruiting". Maybe it's the fact that I live in Colorado Springs "religion central" Colorado, but there are groups that routinely come through the neighborhood trying to get people to their churches. They make judgment on me because I don't go to church.
My friend Sam told me a number of years ago that his brother-in-law is a preacher in his wife's home town in Minnesota. Sam explained that his brother-in-law had a good talk with him one day when visiting here. He stated that Sam was not a bad person because he did not go to church. He told Sam that he acted like more of a Christian than most Christians do. There are so many people that go to church, but don't follow what the church teaches them.
Is it not enough that I treat people with decency and dignity and to quote Spike Lee's powerful message, "Do the right thing"? Maybe I don't have the morals of the average church go-er, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I have made mistakes, done some immoral things, and I have even hurt people (my recent break up, for example). I know I am not perfect, but my intensions are always good.
When I was with Chantel I met her in-laws. They thought I was a nice guy, and seemed to like how I got along with their family, even Chantel's husband. I was warned that they are very religious, so there may be some tension on this subject. Well it never came up when I was around. One day when Chantel was at their house with her kids they found out that I was not a religious person. All of a sudden I was on the shit list. What gets me is that I was dating a married woman (Chantel and her husband were not divorced), but that fact wasn't an issue.
There are too many hypocrites in the world as it is. I don't want to be one of them. I am who I am.
I used to just avoid talking about religion because it made me uncomfortable because of my ignorance, but over the years I have discussed various aspects of my lack of religion. I figure here is a good place to answer Zane's questions...
My immediate family has never gone to church together. My mother and father went regularly when they were young. I went to church a few times with friends and neighbors as a kid, but very infrequently. I didn't know why we didn't go as a family. When I was about 9 or 10 I asked my mom . For me to remember all of this means that I thought very hard about it.
The reason was that my dad had been married before and divorced, and that divorced people were excommunicated from the Catholic church. Then she went on to say that since she married someone that was divorced that she was not allowed either. I didn't pry any further since I was hardly even aware that my dad had been married before (let alone that this was his 3rd marriage). I kind of wanted to get away from the subject since discussing my dad being previously married made me uncomfortable. I don't think my mom liked talking about it either. I often wondered why getting a divorce (which was very rare in those days) would cause such a severe reaction. Over the years I ran into other questions about various religions that added to my confusion.
I know I am generalizing here, but I think my main problem with religions in general is that they all think they are right and others are wrong. It made me wonder if any of them were right. The more I thought about it the less I cared for any organized religion.
Back when I was about 20 I went to church one time with my girlfriend and her family. I don't remember the denomination for sure, but I think it was Methodist. I paid attention to what the preacher was saying until he started making fun of Catholics. This irritated me, not because my affiliation with the Catholic church through family, but because he was making fun of another religion.
I have friends that belong to various religions. I asked around why this joke made any sense. One of my best friends told me how various Christian religions started out as the same, then as various doctrines were put in place people were out raged and they split off to make there own religion. My friend asked me if I believed in God, my reply, "I don't know". He explained that I am agnostic. He explained that it means that I am unsure about the existence of God. I agreed with him.
My ex-wife called me an atheist many times over the years which of course was absolutely wrong. I don't judge people because of what religion they belong, so I also don't think it is fair that I be judged because I am what Zane called spiritual Switzerland.
I appreciate the good that churches do for people. Then there is the assistance that the churches give to the needy. I have a lot of respect for my religious friends in how they get involved with the church groups. They create a feeling of community that is missing in today's society.
But the there are so many things I don't understand, like why churches need to try to recruit me? I don't mean the Jehovah's Witnesses or the Mormons that tend to be the ones that do the majority of the "recruiting". Maybe it's the fact that I live in Colorado Springs "religion central" Colorado, but there are groups that routinely come through the neighborhood trying to get people to their churches. They make judgment on me because I don't go to church.
My friend Sam told me a number of years ago that his brother-in-law is a preacher in his wife's home town in Minnesota. Sam explained that his brother-in-law had a good talk with him one day when visiting here. He stated that Sam was not a bad person because he did not go to church. He told Sam that he acted like more of a Christian than most Christians do. There are so many people that go to church, but don't follow what the church teaches them.
Is it not enough that I treat people with decency and dignity and to quote Spike Lee's powerful message, "Do the right thing"? Maybe I don't have the morals of the average church go-er, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I have made mistakes, done some immoral things, and I have even hurt people (my recent break up, for example). I know I am not perfect, but my intensions are always good.
When I was with Chantel I met her in-laws. They thought I was a nice guy, and seemed to like how I got along with their family, even Chantel's husband. I was warned that they are very religious, so there may be some tension on this subject. Well it never came up when I was around. One day when Chantel was at their house with her kids they found out that I was not a religious person. All of a sudden I was on the shit list. What gets me is that I was dating a married woman (Chantel and her husband were not divorced), but that fact wasn't an issue.
There are too many hypocrites in the world as it is. I don't want to be one of them. I am who I am.
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